A 12th Fan Authentic Jersey Gamer's Manifesto

Yet, in Doom III, the bad guys were flailing at us with the same straight line Ulysses S. Grant calvary charge that failed them twelve years earlier in Doom. Far Cry had bad guys that went into spinning seizures when they got confused; Crysis is better, yet enemies will still stand stupidly by while their friends are gunned down in their field of vision. is as much an unfulfilled promise as the flying car. Where are the FPS bad guys who can adapt their strategy on the fly? Enemies who themselves have six different guns and switch up according to what the situation calls for? Bad guys who work in teams, who strategize, who create diversions to distract you? Where's the enemy Solid Snake who sneaks up on you with the silence of a ninja's church fart?

Almost zero. One, there's more and more focus on multiplayer for this sort of game. Even the ones who are complete morons.

Two, as developers have lamented, the guts of the new consoles are geared to make the gaming equivalent of dumb blondes. and dynamic, unpredictable, wide open games in favor of beautiful water reflections and explosion debris that flies through the air prettily.

That means a generation of games will likely play just like the last generation. Only shiny.

Speaking of adult games, where are they? Politicians bemoan the bloodthirsty horror of video games, but really the standards are almost Victorian when compared to R rated Hollywood fare such as Sin City and Kill Bill and Cinemax's Voyeur Safari IV: Dildo Island. You get a little harsh language and some comic booky sprays of gore, but that's about it. There is an "AO" (Adults Only) ESRB rating for games, but when is the last time you saw it?

We're not for speeding the moral degradation of the modern world, but imagine a Hollywood where only PG 13 movies could get made. Say goodbye to everything from Shindler's List to The Matrix.

Sadly, the proven money making designers in the industry are the same ones that have given us Dead Or Alive Beach Volleyball and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (where the main character rampages though a city populated with violent men and sex crazed street whores). As it turns out, they're all men. The female demographic is seen as something that can be "targeted" by adding features to existing games, such as in game clothes shopping, in game makeup application and in game cute animal pets. Game creators aren't just casually missing the point, they're showing a unified front of stupidity.

There is hope however. Like all industry, it is inevitable that females will eventually forge their place in the world of game design. The female designers will burst on the scene soon enough, heaving their giant bosoms of talent and creativity and brandishing their black thongs of diversity.

Gradually tougher enemies, 12th Fan Womens Jersey more enemies, mind bending puzzles, it's all good. It's all fair. But DO NOT try to artificially make your game harder with:

Arbitrary triggers in RPG's. Why isn't the Dark Elf waiting at the Black Temple like he said? Because I haven't talked to every fucking person in town yet. Can we at least write in some kind of actual cause and effect here that might make some kind of actual sense to me? Because I don't get any sense of reward or accomplishment by randomly activating subroutines via mind numbing repetition.

Ammo starvation. I'm looking at you, Resident Evil series. I have a gun. LET ME USE IT. Don't pretend your game is "challenging" because you only give me four bullets to kill eight zombie dogs with.

Confusing, mapless floor plans. Did you remember when you were a kid and you got bored on weekends, how you would go to a large building, a hotel or a hospital, Earl Thomas III Kids Jersey then wander around for several hours looking for a certain room? While zombies attacked you? Neither do we. That's because, much to the surprise of FPS game makers everywhere, wandering around lost in hallways isn't fun.

If you game wizards are so proud of your sprawling levels and alternate routes, GIVE ME A MAP OF THE LEVEL. If I'm not playing to have fun, then why the fuck do you think I'm playing?

Instant Failure Stealth Levels. Ack. This brings back horrible decade old memories of a Goldeneye level where if you tripped an alarm, an infinite number of bad guys poured forth. We knew a man who failed that level 37 times, then got the Infinite Health cheat for it and came back. He intentionally tripped the alarm, the guards rushed out. Laughing maniacally, he proceeded to shoot those fuckers for four hours, killing 1,183 of them 682 with groin shots before his thumbs cramped up. Your game should not create this kind of bitterness.

Unnecessarily difficult end levels. I've worked for 50 hours to get to this point in the game. Don't make me watch the "Loading." screen and then the fucking climactic cutscene 75 times, once for each attempt to beat the last boss. And don't make the method of attack so fucking obscure and specific that nothing short of a trip to GameFaqs will get me through it. Talk about killing immersion.

Speed Cheating. That miraculous burst of catch up speed from your opponents. CPU tacklers and recievers do it in Madden. I'm also looking at you, every racing game ever made.

Hard games are fine. We like a challenge. But be fair about it.

"Marine, we need you to head to the depths of the compound to rescue a scientist that is being held hostage by Satan and his manyfold minions. Here's your pistol and eight rounds of ammunition. Good luck."

What law says I have to start out the game with none of the fun shit promised on the box art? Again, is this not just a cheap way of extending the life of the game? In FPS games built entirely on the anticipation of using gigantic, phallic symbol weapons, why not start me out with a damned machine gun and 200 rounds of ammo and go up from there?

Racing games pull this, too. Why do I have to spend 40 hours driving a minivan just to get enough money to buy a Honda Civic? Why can't I have access to all of the content right away? What if I don't feel any satisfaction in "unlocking" the game features I already paid real life money for and just want to fucking race the Ferrari on the box art!

How in the name of Islamic Fonzie did we ever let games get away with "Loading." screens? The Gamecube didn't even have those, not on the games made by Nintendo. Hell, the 8 bit NES didn't have load screens 20 years ago. Our favorite TV shows don't load. DVD movies don't load between scenes. The animals at the zoo don't load.

Yes, the hardware can do it. But developers don't think it's important.

Think of it this way. When you're bored at work, what do you play? Solitaire. Why? Because you don't have to spend 5 minutes looking for a CD ROM, 5 Earl Thomas III Navy Jersey minutes watching corporate logos and 5 minutes watching load screens. You click and you play.

Game texansofficialproshop.com/Nike-Garrett-Graham-Jersey.html designers: We're really busy. Lots of us got kids now, and second jobs and mistresses on the side. You want to sell your console games to the millions of people who are lucky to get 30 uninterrupted minutes to play a game? Fix this first.

The problem is a little thing we like to call copy protection. Even the consoles with hard drives won't let us install the game on there, for fear of us then passing the disc on to a friend (especially if said "friend" works the return counter at the store we bought the game from). But surely the video game industry will have to find another way, because every time I see a load screen, I alllllmost have time to start reading a book.

This is why the Wii is sucking away all your market share, guys. They've built it with no commitment, click and play texansofficialproshop.com/Nike-Randy-Bullock-Jersey.html games in mind.

When we're on our deathbeds, we're going to wish we could reclaim the time we spent wandering around for save points long after we were done playing every night. Imagine if your word processing program did this, refusing to let you save your progress until you typed six more paragraphs. Or, made you retype your last paragraph six times while zombies tried to shoot your cursor.

The analogy sort of breaks down there, but the point is we shouldn't ever see a "save point" in a game again. Limited saves were invented for consoles that didn't have the memory to let you "quicksave" (where you can save at any time, any where, with one keystroke like on a PC). To keep that physical limitation and pretend it's a gameplay element is like Superman 64 claiming its programmers' inability to render any background scenery was "Kryptonite Fog."